please, make this go on forever
by The Crownless Queen
Summary: There are moments when she sees sea green eyes and blonde hair everywhere, and remembers having a family outside the Hunters. Thalia, and going forward after the war. For Jess.


_Word count:_ 3096

**please, make this go on forever **

**(and time, like sand, keeps slipping through our fingers)**

Even after finding out that her brother is still alive and well – or as well as any demigod can be – Thalia still has a duty to her new sisters _(she chose that life) _and Artemis, and her loyalty for her goddess has to supersede the one she feels for her still mortal family.

It hurts, but she made that choice some time ago now, and she has a long life ahead of her to try to get around to it.

"You're lucky," one of their newest recruits tells her. "You still actually have people who give a damn about you out there. You have a family with them," and the words are unsurprisingly bitter.

"We're the only family you'll ever need from now on, you know."

She answers with a smile on her lips, but the words feel wrong in her mouth. She still hears her brother's laugh every time she closes her eyes, and she might never stop longing for the days where she, Annabeth and Luke has managed to carve out their little family despite every hardship the world had thrown at them.

The girl smiles too and thanks her, but Thalia can see that her heart isn't in it. It's alright though – she's come to realize that they're all a little bit broken in the Hunt, and it takes time for those broken pieces to heal properly again. Hers haven't yet, but she has all the time in the world before them now _(she just hopes it will be enough)_.

They have no more time for chit-chat after that though, and as much as she'd like to share her newfound wisdom with this younger sister, they have more pressing matters to attend to.

They've finally found the nest of their 'monster of the week'. It's a bizarre cross between Manticore and Hydra, one of those new evils conjured by Gaea.

They had started this hunt well over a week ago, and it was high time the beast got a taste of their blades. And arrows. As well as whatever they could throw at it that would keep it down for good.

The fight doesn't last long, but it is exhausting. The beast is strong, and though it certainly is no match for the combined force that the Hunters of Artemis make when they have a particular goal in mind, and it soon dissolves back into dust, it still gives makes its best efforts to kill them. They know by now that it probably won't stay down for long, but if they managed to do it once they can do it again.

At least now they have some time to rest, and once the dust is gone the clearing makes a camping space as good as any other.

She's about to sit down, fully intending to take first watch so that she can sleep as late as allowed in the morning, when Phoebe stops by her sleeping bag, staring in a way that makes her strangely self-conscious.

"What do you want?" She asks, and while Thalia is aware that her tone might be a bit too harsh, she's always believed in bluntness and honesty, and she has never hid from the fact that she isn't particularly fond of the older Hunter. Their relationship is already much better than it was a couple of years ago, and it gives her hope for the future. One day, they might even become the sisters they can be.

"I just wanted to let you know that I heard you early, with Tracy, and, uhm…" She trails off, looking uncharacteristically uncomfortable.

Thalia arches an eyebrow and that must be enough for the other girl to refocus, because she takes a deep breath and continue as if nothing had happened. Hadn't she just witnessed it, she would have thought that moment of weakness a trick of the light.

"What I meant is that I wanted to tell you that it was alright if you wanted to go visit your family. Your mortal one, I mean – obviously we're not going anywhere," she adds, and Phoebe almost manages to make it sound like a joke. "Not now, of course, since we're kind of in the middle of a crisis, but once it's over you should, you know, spend time with them."

'_Before you can't_', she doesn't say, but the words hang in the air between them anyway, working a chill down her back that is nearly cold enough to make her shiver.

It makes her think of how it had felt, all those years ago, to have the utter certainty that her baby brother was gone for good. It had been a dark kind of pain, its jagged edges tearing at her heart every time she let herself remember. She had tried to forget then, but it had never really worked, and now that she has him back… Well, she doesn't really know how she'll ever be able to truly let him go ever again.

She has never been so glad to have been wrong as she had been when she had realized just who this 'Jason' was, and she can only imagine too well how it will feel to one day hear his name followed by the word 'dead' instead of 'alive'.

"Take what you can get while you still can," Phoebe finishes, and her tone is as settled as it ever was, like her words haven't just re-opened a wound she didn't want to look at.

"I will," she answers, but her voice sounds chocked. She refuses to cry for anything, but she thinks that if she ever had to make an exception this would be it. "Thanks," she adds, because it needs to be said.

"You're welcome." The older girl leaves after that, and soon enough the camp is quiet but for the comforting sound of the forest around them.

When her watch ends, she prays to the Moon that they'll all live through this new war, even if she still remembers enough of the last one to know that it's a fool's hope.

Her last thought before falling asleep is, oddly enough, that her baby brother now looks the same age as she does, and soon enough he'll look older than her.

**.x.**

She fully intends to keep to her word as soon as she can, but life interferes, the way it often does. Phoebe dies, as do many other Hunters, the war ends… It all pills up until Thalia just feels like escaping from her responsibilities, only she can't.

She has to remind herself every morning that she chose this life, and that she can't run away like a scared little girl anymore. She's stronger, and braver, than that. She got through these wars, she can get through anything now.

Only then she ventures outside and sees the destruction waged under Gaea's orders, and she wonders why they still keep fighting when this world seems so intent on ending.

That feeling will pass. She knows this, because she felt it before, and it went away then. It will go away now too.

Artemis visits them again now, and her first words are about how proud she is of them. Thalia is proud of them too, because they did the best they could and even if the circumstances around the compliment makes her sick, she is glad for the support.

It is one thing to know that a demigod's life is dangerous and a Hunter's one doubly so, but it is another to have to face two wars in such a short length of time. None of them were really prepared for that.

The Hunters are under her command when Artemis isn't there, but she's not above them. She has a different status, but she still is one of them, and when they mourn they mourn together, and she has never been gladder to be part of something as she is in those moments.

She doesn't think she could do this on her own.

Still, the thing is that the Hunter stay at Camp Half-Blood for a while to help rebuild, and then Artemis sends them into the wild to make sure none of Gaea's monsters remain, and meanwhile Jason goes back to Rome while Percy and Annabeth decide to go to college, and before she knows it months have passed already and she still hasn't been to see them.

She's proud to be a Hunter – make no mistake, it's everything she never thought she wanted but always needed, and she wouldn't give it up for anything in this world, but it still stings a little, to realize that they're moving on with their lives while hers remain the same.

The truth is, in the end she's just too proud to go see them, even if part of her does realize that she should enjoy what time they can get together. She just always manages to find excuses not to go, until one day she literally ends up on her brother's doorstep, not really knowing how she got there.

They've kept in touch somewhat through IM and that's how she knows the address, but she's never visited before, claiming to be busy with one thing or another, even if they both knew she couldn't fool anyone.

Piper is the one who answer the door, and for a moment Thalia almost doesn't recognize her.

She hasn't changed, and yet there is something different about her. She can't quite put her finger on it, but she seems almost happier, somehow – though considering that the last time they really saw face to face they were in the middle of a war that's not surprising.

She's a bit older and more mature, and she holds herself with more confidence, and when her brother comes to greet her he and Piper just fit, like a picture you used to only see in black and white but now see in full colors.

"Looking good, brother," she finally says, and just like that the ice is broken. He laughs but agrees with her, and they move to a small living-room where they spend the rest of the afternoon catching up.

It should feel weird, to finally be together after so long with no crisis looming on the horizon – or at least none that they know of – but it feels natural instead.

Piper is good for him, and it's almost a shame they're so in love because the daughter of Aphrodite would make a stunning Hunter, but the way things are going between them Thalia thinks it won't be long before she gets to call the other girl 'sister' anyway.

When she leaves, she promises to come back as soon as she can, and she really means it this time.

The Hunters may have become her family over the last few years, but they're not the same as having her brother back. Most of them still despise hearing the word 'boy', something that their goddess fully encourages, and while Thalia definitely can understand their reasons, she still would like to be able to talk about her brother and his life without the rude commentaries.

She keeps her word at first. In the downtime between the hunts Artemis sends them on and the monsters they stumble upon, she manages to visit her brother at least once a month.

The other Hunters protest at first, but once they notice how happier those visits make her, they let her be. She's their sister after all, and just as she wants to protect them, they want what's best for her, and brothers do hold a different status in their mind than any other male friend would.

She sees Annabeth too, and Percy, and Nico when he drops by. Once a year the 'seven' of the Prophecy meet up officially, and Thalia is always invited. She still isn't very fond of Leo, but at least he's gotten over his ridiculous crush on her, and she tolerates him as long as he behaves – and considering who exactly his girlfriend is, that'll be a long while.

She likes Hazel though, and surprisingly enough, Frank. They're kinder than she would have expected considering who their godly parents are, but then she should have figured out a long time ago that judging someone on their parentage never really works out.

She has a standing invitation to all of their places – her and any other Hunters should they need it, though everyone knows she'll probably be the only one to ever take them up on it – and before she knows they've all set up a guest room belonging to her in all but name in their home.

It makes her feel oddly warm, the way they go to so much trouble to include her in their lives, but it also scares her, because she knows it can't last.

She's with her brother the first time it really hits her that she will lose this someday. They're running an errand for Annabeth in the mortal world – apparently the thing she's desperately looking for can't be found in New Rome, and Thalia and Jason fully intend to surprise their friend with the item she requires – when they decide to stop for ice-cream.

It's a fairly quiet outing. There is no monster to dispatch and the weather is nice if a bit chilly, but she hasn't had real ice-cream from a shop in a long while, and it doesn't take much convincing to get her brother to come with her.

Thalia asks for mint and strawberries while her brother simply orders chocolate, and everything is going fine until the vendor hands Jason the ice-creams, telling him and his 'daughter' to 'enjoy this before it melts'.

"Why didn't you tell him I wasn't your daughter?" She enquires quietly after the door closes behind them, unsure that she wants to hear what he has to say.

"Well, I could hardly say that you were my sister now, could I?" He answers jokingly, but something inside her freeze. She bites into her cone, hiding her shudder of unease with one of cold.

She truly looks at her brother for the first time in a while, and she's shocked to see how old he seems to be. His hair is grey at the temples already, and his skin is no longer as smooth as it used to be, whereas she still looks the way she did before she turned sixteen. She could be his daughter, and to the eyes of any passer-by who doesn't know about the gods, she might as well be.

"I hope it didn't bother you, but well… I figured we didn't need to explain ourselves to anyone in there, since we probably won't see them again. I hope it was okay with you."

"Nah, don't worry, it's fine. Besides, father or not, I can still kick your ass," she retorts assuredly with a smile, because if there is one thing time can teach you, it's how to lie.

She's not fine.

She leaves that night, because as scary as the thought of missing major events in her family's life may be, the idea of witnessing their slow decay is even scarier. She knows that they've already lived far longer than any of them would have thought possible a mere decade ago, but it still doesn't seem enough.

She understands why Artemis told her to tread carefully when she visited her brother now, and she wishes she didn't.

She takes the Hunters to the other side of the continent, and goes back to sharing IMs once in a while. No one ever say anything to her about her lack of visit, but she knows the miss her. She sees it in their faces when they call her, just like she knows they can see her regrets painted on her face every time they talk.

They don't ask her to come back, and she's infinitely grateful for that. She suspects Annabeth might have something to do with it, or Jason – her brother can be surprisingly sensitive at times, and that kind of endeavor sounds like him.

She invests all that she has into the Hunters once again and she thrives there, and when the Moon shines upon her and her sisters she feels freed from all her troubles. Together they try to make their world a safer place, and mostly succeed, and for a time she can almost convince herself to ignore the life she had somehow managed to build for herself out there.

She dreams of the streets of New Rome and of Annabeth's visions of a similar place by Camp Half-Blood, and she fails to forget the way she so effortlessly fit in a too-mortal family that had built itself without her.

She had thought that she could do this, that she could keep standing in both mortal and immortal worlds - that she was strong enough to withstand anything, for surely they could not be worse than the hardships she had already endured.

Thalia left because she thought she could protect herself that way, because surely the distance would help lessen the unavoidable pain.

She should have known that if distance couldn't lessen the love she felt for her family, then it wouldn't help her.

_(The haunting sight of her brother's wife tear-stained face will probably haunt of for the rest of her days)_

**.x.**

She attends each and every funeral.

**.x.**

She read somewhere when she was still mortal that Time was the greatest healer of all.

She started doubting the veracity of those words when she first realized Kronos was real – her grandfather was many things, but a healer was not one of them, so why should his domain be any different?

But now she's lived over a hundred years and the wounds she suffered from decades ago still feel just as fresh as those she sustained last week, and she knows it was definitely wrong.

Maybe it worked for mortals, but it certainly didn't for immortals, and it was something that they – that she – had to live with.

And she will.

She will, because as long as she still draws breath a part of _them_ still lives, and they deserve to be remembered the way they were, and not as the heroes their story made them out to be.

As long as she lives, they're not truly _gone_.

**.x.**

_(There are moments when she sees sea green eyes and blonde hair everywhere, and remembers having a family outside the Hunters.)_


End file.
